I am really enjoying podcasts at the moment. I like to listen to them when I am driving to work each day, as a nice break from the news and the forecast for more cold weather when I crave sunshine. I have recently been listening to Dan Harris on his Ten Percent Happier podcast which features some fascinating scientists talk about the benefits of meditation, finding social connection and reducing anxiety.
In the episode I was listening to recently Marissa King (#342) talked about how we underestimate how much other people enjoy the conversation we just had with them. People with social anxiety often talk about a fear of not being good enough in social situations. We worry about saying something stupid. These feelings come from a range of experiences that we have throughout our development. If we think about it, we have all said something at a party of a meeting when sends us into a bit of a shame spiral when we get home and mull over the night. What we often forget is the conversations that we have been a part of that have gone well.
An important antidote to distress is connection. Connection comes from our social interactions. Sometimes those social interaction are a little scary – it is okay to worry about not being interesting enough, or smart enough, these are common fears. The problem comes when the fears start to get in the way of us connecting with others.
When we have a pattern of negative self talk we overestimate the likelihood of a negative event, and underestimate the value evidence that things will be okay. One of the tools that can be useful is known as Socratic questioning or cognitive restructuring. Examples can be found on the Therapists Aid website. We start by identifying the thought that is causing us discomfort – for example ‘no one will want to talk to me at the event’ we can ask the following questions:
- what is the evidence for this thought? and against it? Am I considering all of the evidence?
- Am I basing this on thoughts, feelings or facts?
- Is this black and white, or is it more complicated?
- Could I be misinterpreting the evidence? Am I making any assumptions?
- Could someone else interpret this in a different way?
- Did someone else pass this belief onto me? Are they reliable?
- Is it the worst case scenario? Is this the likely scenario?
- If it does happen, will I be okay?
For the last question, I like to add ‘When I am 80 years old, and looking back on my life, will this matter?’
I encourage people to write the answers to the questions. Seeing the written words in front of us can help to challenge those negative biases and the process can be useful to reflect on later.
Another good tool to use is an anxiety log. When we become anxious about something pop it into the log, and commit to coming back after to document how the event went. On the days that things go well we can use this to gather evidence of positive outcomes. On days that don’t go well we can use this to make a plan to address the things that we need to improve.
If you get to the bottom of your questioning, and you feel that you need some skills there are books to read such as The Art of Conversation (try your local bookstore or booktopia)
I am also reminded of a quote that I love ‘In the long run we get no more than we have been willing to risk giving – Sheldon Kopp’. If we want connection we have to risk anxiety.
And never be afraid to reach out to someone and let them know that you enjoyed talking to them. They might also have social anxiety, and appreciate a little bit of evidence that they are okay.
Dr Kerrie Aust 